The Delusion Of Being...

My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Just Wait”.

- Judy Tenuta

The human mind is always caught up in a ceaseless and random train of thought (not entirely comprehensible at times). We think about various things as we go along, heck we even think about thinking about other things never quite understanding what exactly to do about them.

Every day of my existence on this planet I vow to myself something or the other, from the ridiculously mundane to the absolute serious. But there are a very things I actually ACT upon. I may blame it on a variety of reasons like my callousness, surroundings or extreme apathy, but at the end it all boils down to the ability to transform thought into action(s). Its said that when really want something, all your thoughts, efforts, actions etc will orient themselves in a manner so as to achieve the desired target, which in a way is saying that the END gives rise to the MEANS. This may not be totally false but to achieve that necessary jumpstart, the choices we make play an important role. What we choose is how how we define our future life path. We may choose to indulge in day dreaming and philosophize or we may choose to step out of the comfort zone and ACTUALLY do something about it. Thinking is easy, acting is tough and to be able to convert the desired thought into the necessary set of actions, well that is the toughest task of all.

When we first decide to make positive changes in our lives, we usually underestimate the amount of effort it will take. It's easy to dream and imagine a better life, but we also need to give form to our thoughts with decisive action. And nothing that is ever worth having comes easy. That's where most of us get stuck.

We need to use the same process to "build" the lives we want. We need to be clear on what we want (conceive the idea), draw up plans (set goals), and then take action to form our desires in the physical.

What most of us do (including me), however, is say we want to change, but then act in ways that contradict that desire. There can be many reasons for this, such as the lure of old habits, fear of some past failure, or low self-worth. Until we resolve the underlying issues, we will keep sabotaging our efforts to change.

Sometimes just making up your mind to get cracking isn’t enough. What hampers the road ahead is deciding the COURSE of action. How do we choose whether the task we’re going to perform will result in an advancement to the ultimate goal? How to categorize an act as been conducive or destructive to our chosen end? When I think of this I think of the “Resolution Theory” mentioned Gregory David Roberts’ book “Shantaram”. It basically centers around the concept of the universe continuously moving towards increasing complexity ending in an an ultimate complexity. He also uses it to lend objectivity to the concepts of Right and Wrong. As per the theory, anything that helps move towards this ultimate complexity is good, and anything that inhibits it is bad. Simple, and yet, fascinating! If we also judge our every action by this line of thought by equating the ultimate complexity as being the desired target, we’ll function in a much better, efficient and coherent manner. The mistake most of us make is that we include unnecessary parameters in our lives and decision making process. These useless criterion tend to be things like religion, superstition, what others think of you etc. We tend to distort our hindsight to the point that the way forward no longer remains clear. When we need to decide on what to do and how to go about it, we must solely judge on the barometer of whether this act will lead us towards our target or away from it. At times its not at all easy to judge each step with this philosophy but if we endeavor to try and stick to it as much as we can we can see things in better perspective.

But at the end there is no one answer to all of our problems. The goals we set and the path we take are very subjective matters that ultimately we have to decode ourselves. Whenever we begin to flounder or doubt the path chosen, it never harms to remind ourselves that there’s never a wrong time to do a right thing!

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

-Evelyn Beatrice Hall

I went on a trip with some friends recently. Though the vacation was fun and enjoyable, I was a witness (and sometimes a participant) to many heated arguments on varied topics. During the course of all this what struck me was the entirely different ways each one of us has to respond/ behave in an argument or conflict. I mean all of us have our own unique way of putting our point(s) across. It can range from being downright defensive about what you believe in to being completely on the offensive and aggressive until you’ve proven your point. It can range from the absolutely childish of ways like sulking to the downright rude ones like name-calling etc. I’ve seen discussions taking the wildest of turns and ending up somewhere which is nowhere close to the original bone of discontention!

What makes us react in such wildly different ways when faced with a challenge to our beliefs or views? I guess it depends on the way we perceive things. We can either take such duels as a means to further strengthen our belief systems to discussing them threadbare or unnecessarily take it personally and act like an egotistical shithead [:P]. Ultimately the choice is ours.

“When a man uses profanity to support an argument, it indicates that either the man or the argument is weak - probably both”

The way we argue or debate also gives an insight to how to confident one is really about his/ her point of view. The more confident you are in the real sense of the word about what you’re standing for, the more logical and rationale your arguments will be, while if you know you are on a shaky ground you’re likely to indulge more in histrionics and baseless points. Its like trying to make for the void within your basic self through needless and pointless justification. Fighting is normal and a healthy part of all relationships - HOW we fight however, makes the difference.

People respond in all possible manners when faced with opposition. But that shouldn’t deter us in responding purely on the basis of the strength of our view point. The trick I guess lies in not letting a discussion turn into an argument. The difference between them is aptly illustrated by this quote from Robert Quillen:

“Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance”

Its funny how sometimes when situations almost force you to finally take up an activity that you’ve been putting off for a long time due to various reasons (the prime one in my case being the love of procrastination!). Why do I say this? Well, for days I've been thinking about posting some new stuff but kept postponing it. What finally got me to get moving was a hellish ride in Delhi Metro. Interested? Read on…

The Delhi Metro is one of the major reasons I am proud to be a Delhiite. In the mass anarchy that is public transportation (or for that matter most public services in our great nation), the Delhi Metro stands out as distinct rarity. One that signifies punctuality, perseverance, and efficiency. Its convenient, surprisingly cheap and regular. Eons of praise have been sung about both, the DMRC (Delhi Metro Rail Corporation) and its head honcho, E. Sreedharan. Before you mistake this as an advertisement for the Delhi Metro, let me come straight to the point. What the Delhi Metro did was to show us that we could implement a world class rapid transit system on time and in budget and also run it profitably. It is a shining beacon of hope and change in a vastly uninspiring mass of pitiful public services which disappoint us more often than not. Hell even our notoriously filthy habits and complete disregard of public hygiene couldn’t affect the metro! What I mean to say that if there’s any ever need of a sign of hope that things can run smoothly in the face of adversity, one can look at the Delhi Metro. Or so I thought.

Just as i was returning yesterday evening, it started to rain which had been preceded by a slight dust storm. No problem, I thought, its the metro after all. Its completely alienated from these ills and should offer no hiccups. Boy, was i wrong! As soon as I entered the station to the moment I got off, I was wondering, if I'm still human. The crowd was simply too much for the system to handle. There were constant delays at every station, incessant pushing which turned to shoving and then finally into a mindless romp over each other. There were women and children wailing due to lack of air, people missing their destinations due to the immobile crowd, in short UTTER CHAOS.

It got me thinking, what did it take to throw such a world class system totally off-track. Just a bit of rain and dust! is that all? I mean c’mon, surely its SUPPOSED to withstand at least that. Its the Metro for god sakes! But then maybe its not the Metro’s fault. The way the people went ballistic, pushing, shoving, shouting and what not. What chance did the Metro have? In front of our legendary public etiquette [:P], the numerous awards won by the Metro from organizations the world over don’t mean a thing. They don’t train ‘em to handle the incorrigible Indian rowdiness now, do they?

And the worst part is to hear people complain about everything and anything without stopping for moment to realize that the mess they find themselves in is largely their doing. I mean sure there’s always an ignorant government, inefficient bureaucrats etc to blame. But the biggest perpetrator of these acts are we, ourselves. We, Indians, have a favourite national past time, to bitch about politics and the politicians that rule the roost. For a long time till I didn’t know how to spell politics, I inferred from what I heard other people talking that it was spelt as, “Poly Ticks” that is, many blood sucking creatures! [:P] (Come to think of it its not that far-fetched). We love bitching about the state of polity in our country. Its probably the biggest unifier in our diverse country besides cricket and cinema!

Anywhere you go, anyone you speak to, always has something vastly derogatory to say about our leaders. Their corrupt practices, the dynastic nature of our parties, the communal hatred they espouse, vote bank policies, minority appeasement, caste-ist tendencies and so on so forth. I, for one don’t agree to that notion. Don’t get me wrong. All these beliefs about our politicians are unfortunately not imaginary but quite true. Most of them are filthy scumbags, just interested in filling their own coffers, but then i also believe that politics and more importantly the politicians are just a reflection of society. If one wonders, who elects them in the first place? Its us. So we can’t ever deny the power we have in their selection. Now a vast majority of the people may say that its not true, because they don’t feel inspired enough to vote. I ask them just one simple question, isn’t the urge to get the issues that concern them resolved, an inspiration enough? At the end of it all that’s what we’re trying to achieve. We could ignore this urge and fall back on old habits, continue to criticize and mock the polity, but then we must also remember one thing, we have NO right to complain about the state of affairs. Simply because, if we’re not a part of the solution, we are as good as the aggravators. I mean how long can we continue to remain hypocritical about the numerous ills that plague us and still be nonchalant enough not to do anything about them?

I am not saying that just because you feel strongly for a cause you jump into mainstream politics. Change has to begin at an individual level. No matter how cynical we maybe, there’s always SOMETHING one can do at his/her level to improve things around us. There’s no denying that. Take the example of the ongoing general elections in India. After the 26/11 attack in Bombay, there seemed to sudden awakening to the reality of participation in the process of elections to affect a change. Eminent people from all over the city organized campaigns trying to get people out to vote. It seemed a new Bombay had emerged, a politically conscious one. But come election day only 44% turned up to vote, even less than the 47% in 2004. Most preferred taking the extended weekend vacation than exercising their franchise. Now do you think that people have the right or moral authority to demand any kind of change? The answer’s pretty clear. The classical Greek philosopher Plato once aptly remarked,

“The price of apathy towards public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.”

What started off as harmless enough metro ride turned into a experience of our total apathy towards anything remotely connected to politics! I guess that's how life is at times, completely random…

Happy voting!

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

-Albert Einstein

The eternal question that bothers most of us each day is what’s going to happen tomorrow? The innate human need to find surety and definite-ness in each and everything can be quite overwhelming to say the least. So much time is spent in worrying about the future that sometimes the present is allowed to go to hell. At times we tend to judge all our actions with their repercussions in mind, as in how will it affect our future state of being.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to say that one shouldn’t worry about what lies ahead.That IS a necessity. One should always keep the future target in mind and plan accordingly. Our present actions and thoughts should have an orientation towards a better tomorrow. But the trick i guess is NOT to let the fear of tomorrow cripple the present.

What prompted me to think in this direction is the fact that almost halfway through the graduation, the perennial question I have to face (whether I like it or not!) is, WHAT NOW?

Every where i go, almost everyone i meet has the same question to ask, about what I intend to do about MY future. Whether its the cheap voyeuristic pleasure people derive from peeping into others’ lives [:P] or a sign (from whom, i wonder!) that I need to start thinking about what lies ahead, i think when it comes to the future I should have to sets of distinct goals, namely the short term and the long term. I guess such a classification will go a long way in simplifying the whole thing.   

My preoccupation is with where I would ideally like to be right now. Knowing this, we can act now so as constantly to reduce the gap between where we are and where we want to be. Then, to a large extent, the future is created by what we do now. Now is the only time in which we can act. Therefore, our future state will be more a product of what we do now than of what is done to us.

If we don't know what state we would be in right now if we could be in whatever state we wanted, how can we possibly know in what state we would like to be in the future? Furthermore, any thought of where we want to be in the future is usually based on forecasts of what the future will be. Such forecasts are inevitably wrong; we cannot identify all the significant changes that will occur in our environments between now and then. It is for this reason that so many plans are never completely implemented; they are dropped when it becomes apparent that the forecasts on which they are based are false.

Nevertheless, it is apparent that our current decisions are based on what we expect the relevant future to be. But this should not be based on forecasts; it should be based on assumptions.People normally mistake assumptions to be nothing but forecasts in disguise.They could not be more wrong. For example, we carry a spare tire in our cars because we assume a flat tire is possible, not because we forecast that one is going to occur on our next trip. Forecasts are about probabilities; assumptions are about possibilities. 

John M. Richardson Jr. once famously remarked,

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” 

Thats where the big difference lies. Not lying in the first or the last bracket, not to give into some false highly romantic (or gloomy for that matter) notion of what tomorrow is going to bring but taking a positive and self-affirming step towards it. Because in the end the ONLY thing you can count on to help you tide through the murky waters that lay ahead, is your own INDIVIDUAL self and the belief in the actions you take.

So we all know now that Sean Penn won the Academy Award for the Best Actor in a Leading role this year, but I’d like to write about another nominee who I thought deserved to get it that is Mickey Rourke for his exemplary performance as Randy "The Ram" Robinson in Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler.

The Wrestler is a drama about an aging professional wrestler, Randy "The Ram" Robinson, decades past his prime, who now barely gets by working small wrestling shows and as a part-time grocery store employee. As he faces health problems that may end his wrestling career for good, he attempts to come to terms with his life outside the ring: by working full time at the grocery store, trying to reconcile with the daughter he abandoned in childhood and forming a closer bond with a stripper he has romantic feelings for. He struggles with his new life and an offer of a high-profile rematch with his 1980s arch-nemesis, The Ayatollah, which may be his ticket back to stardom.

The story at onset seems like the stuff any other sports/drama movie is made of. You sense, with somewhat of a dread, where all this is headed; but whatever The Wrestler is, you feel pretty sure it isn’t Rocky. The movie gives us a portrait of a man who has screwed up his life, and makes us resigned to the idea that we’re going to have to watch him screw up what’s left of it. While other films and film makers fail to see the obvious glory and resurrection of a fallen idol, Aronofsky does no such thing. He drags us through the pain, quiet heartbreak and dubious noisy triumphs as Ram steels himself and his buffed but disintegrating body for an ill-advised, delusional return to the wrestling ring. And grueling, gladiatorial rematches that many will find difficult not to cringe through, but will likely be too captivated by the sheer, if at times gigantic grit and determination of this insistent loser.

The real star of the enterprise is undoubtedly Mickey Rourke. The manner in which he embraces and delivers an excruciating performance so full of misery and mutilation because it's the sole source of remaining dignity and public admiration for this fiercely dedicated glutton for punishment, Rourke, is nothing less than extraordinary. And by the time he's taken us through the self-inflicted mind-numbing ordeals to the barbaric procedures of professional wrestling involving applied barbed wire, staple guns, ashcan bashing, bug spray and coronaries, one is pretty much vicariously beat.

Then there's also a tender and sad sidebar as Ram bares his bruised heart to an aging pole dancer (Marisa Tomei) at a local strip joint.  As Aronofsky keeps us on our toes wondering whether she's the real deal or stringing the infatuated lonely guy along, we're just as clueless. Tomei performs with great élan bringing an alarming sense of alacrity and frankness to her role providing the perfect foil for Rourke’s tormented and bruised psyche.

If anything, The Wrestler exposes the troublesome psychological, let alone physical damage of often destructive notions of masculinity in this culture of instant gratification that seep out of all those superhero fantasies crowding the screens. And at the same time adding to that list of survival essentials - food and shelter - the necessity of basic dignity and self-respect, even at a potentially fatal cost.

What adds to it all is the similarities between Rourke  and his character. Apparently drawing from his own life as a recognized actor who at the peak of his professional career made some disastrous choices (turning down roles such as Tom Cruise’s in Rain Man and many more) and entering the professional boxing arena in 1991 to  subsequently retire in 1995. His own personal graph almost mirrors the character he plays which adds so much more to the already poignant and powerhouse of a performance.

To sum up, the first thing that came to my mind after the movie was if Rourke doesn't grab an Oscar, there is no justice on this planet, simply for crushing the collective audience soul with the often wordless torment of this abrasive but brutally wounded creature.

Accepting the fact that everyone makes mistakes is easier said than done. Everyone of us is taught our whole lives NOT to make mistakes and have often been trained or re-enforced negatively when a mistake is made. Perfection seems to be the target of most people in their work, relationships,and life. But we all know that’s not how life functions. We all know that we are bound to trip up sometime or the other. Even then most of us live in this continual fear of screwing up instead of focusing on doing things right to the best of our judgment.

We often misinterpret our errors as being weak. That is a MISTAKE. We as human beings are fallible and the sooner we understand it the calmer and less-frenzied we’ll be. I mean what’s the point of running after some imaginary ideal notion of how everything should be done. After all we should things as per what we think is right and wrong, not on some outdated society-defined-it-like-this-so-we-will-blindly-follow-it-without-even-racking-our-brains-sorta philosophy.

I for one feel that its only by failing do we really learn, because its when the things that you do blow up in your face, that you really try to think of alternatives. Otherwise we’ll just continue to live our non-descript lives in our own little comfy shells without ever trying out ANYTHING different. On the other hand we all should make decisions that have some risk, (not to be confused with false bravado), where mistakes are likely to happen. This is common in doing anything new and especially in things outside your comfort zone . You obviously don’t need to go looking to make mistakes, but putting yourself in new circumstances and trying out new things will inevitably lead to making mistakes.

I’ve had numerous fiascos (more than I sometimes wish!), and of course one feels crappy for a while but then to let that feeling of self-depreciation become a permanent handicap to trying to out anything even slightly out of the routine will render life completely mundane and pointless. And the funny thing about it is that when we look back at our bloopers, more often than not they turn out to be so-not wasting one’s time over!

I guess what I am trying to say is that its when we leave the fear of falling that we truly begin to live (I know that sounds corny but its true!). We should always be ready to trip once in a while, take it in our stride and not to fret over it too much. Yes, I have made a ton of mistakes but then I have gained a crap load of knowledge from all of my errors. The thing we gotta keep in mind is not to make the same mistake twice. That would just make us plain ol’ stoopid [:P]  

Cinema is truth at twenty-four frames a second.

- Jean-Luc Godard

They say some films have the power change lives. I always found that to be a highly exaggerated romantic notion until I saw American Beauty. Ever since I saw it for the first time (and several times after that), it has left a deep impression on my psyche forcing me self-reflect and take stock of my life. Don’t get me wrong, its not one of those dark and depressing films which just stress on what all is wrong with the world and the people that inhabit it etc. Instead its more along the lines of a black comedy/drama which interlaces the somber points with humour and the most basic human idiosyncrasies.

The film centers around Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) who is suffering a mid-life crisis that affects the lives of his family, which is made up of his super bitch of a wife Carolyn (Annette Bening) and rebelling daughter Jane (Thora Birch), who hates him. By the time American Beauty begins, the happy days are already over. Dad is cynical and depressed. Mom is burning herself out in her quest to be a professional success. And their daughter is lost, lonely, neglected, and she knows it. “I need a father that’s a role model,” she complains to her boyfriend Ricky (Peter Gallagher). She’s right. Her father, Lester Burnham, is a bitter jerk, hardened by days at the office, embittered by a marriage gone sour, and lusting after high school girls.  The fantastic thing about the film is even though all the characters so far from each other are on a common conquest. They all are in search of some or the other form of beauty and that is the central theme of the film. That beauty is to be found literally everywhere, even amidst immorality and deep suffering. The film is an artwork that invite you to see the whole world as art and grounds this aesthetic perspective in a dysfunctional American family set-up. American Beauty, like all great art, is a teacher. It teaches that moral ugliness can be part of something that is beautiful on the whole.

The real genius of the enterprise lies in looking beyond the very obvious flaws of human nature and delving deep into their concealed fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams and aspirations. It doesn’t portray its characters as some bullshitty imaginary people who are perfect in every sense and lead immaculate lives. Instead it revels in their imperfections because that’s how people are in real life. When an audience can relate to something, it is more likely to effect them. So realism, for me, has always meant something I could envision happening in the 'real' world. Movies are there to play on our emotions, and thus all tools with be used to achieve this task. We are meant to feel happy with the central character when he gets the girl, glad when he kills the villain, and sad when the villain comes back. The more real it seems, the more effective it is.

All the characters though haunted by their own personal demons are looking for happiness and the the definition of what it means to them is vastly different from each other. Happiness is slamming a plate of asparagus against the wall. It's telling your boss to shove it and making a vow to set to improving the way you look naked. Happiness, as illustrated by Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, is submitting to even the most trivial of your urges, if only for a little while. It's about lifting a middle finger to an all-too-oppressive society and smashing the prisons we build for ourselves.

Above all, American Beauty is about finding peace and a sense of wonder in the least likely of places, such as your inner torment or, failing, or perhaps even a floating plastic bag!

Happy Viewing!