“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”- Chuck Palahniuk
Death.
Wikipedia defines it as the termination of the biological functions that sustain a living organism (I was at a complete loss to start this post any other way.) Only Wikipedia it can summarize something like death in such neutral and objective terms. For the rest of us it invokes different reactions altogether. On losing someone of importance, every person grieves somewhat differently, and there is seldom any clear-cut order or pattern. As per the Kübler-Ross model, there are five stages of grief. Although they seem reasonably accurate, categorizing and quantifying a huge variable and subjective phenomenon like grief can be dicey. One individual might move quickly from one emotion to the next, while another might show only one intense emotion for a long period of time.
However, for me personally, death has always been a distant and strangely numbing phenomenon. I don’t mean to portray myself as an-unmoved-totally-unaffected-by-any-damn-thing kinda guy, but ever since I can remember I haven’t felt the same as those around me. I attribute it to losing my grandfather, who like every grandpa in the world, doted on me, at a very early age. That is probably why I got desensitized and more accepting of the fact that we all got to exit the stage someday and it’s probably not creating the fuss we normally do over it. This maxim served me well for the past fifteen years. But a recent event shattered most of these notions I’d created for myself.
A close friend lost his dad recently. Without going into the details, it was obviously a great shock, to say the least. Death, in itself, is not that big a jolt, as opposed to its untimely nature, which causes most of the grief. As I witnessed the rituals that followed and the subsequent reactions of those involved in it (including myself), I couldn’t help wonder id this was the best way to bid a final goodbye to those we cherish so much. In a typical Hindu family, there’s an elaborate procedure after someone passes away. From preparing the body at home before covering it and carrying it to the nearest temple, and then the whole scheme of things at the cremation grounds. I guess most of it is pretty routine or so I thought. In one barbaric and unseemly final ritual, while the body is burning on the pyre, the son has to crack the skull of the corpse. Now I have no idea if this signifies the setting free of the soul or what, but it sure seems unnecessary and heartbreaking for the kid to say the least. Another thing which bugged me was the constant scheme of all the pundits who treated the whole affair as another opportunity to mint quick money at the expense of the bereaved without even an iota of empathy for the loss. Its things like these which strengthen my belief in the redundancy and mindlessness of the modern religions. They’ve lost all credibility as far as I am concerned. Another aspect which I found disturbing and irritating was our ability to trivialize even the most sombre of things. I mean the way people gossip, cook up medical conspiracy theories at such a tragic time is shocking. If not for another thing, at least in the memory of deceased people should refrain from such talk. But then we Indians have never been known to shy away from the small talk now, have we? (Mental Note: Sign up as an organ donor and for an electric cremation.)
The whole experience made me reflect on the whole notion of death and our preparedness (so to say), of the same. I firmly believe that, inevitable as it is, one cannot let the fear of the end hold oneself back. I remember reading something by Chuck Palahniuk which went like that on a reasonably large time line, the survival rate for everyone is zero. We can never be fully ready for it, so there’s no point losing sleep over it. On the other hand, it also made me realize the transient nature of our existence. All it takes is one rash decision, one momentary lapse of reason to end our fragile lives. And in an increasingly frayed, tense world it’s not only our indiscretions which may lead to it. Some years ago, another one of my friend’s dad was crushed by a speeding car (expectedly driven by drunk douchebags) while he was on his routine morning walk. What can you POSSIBLY do to prevent or anticipate such an event? Surely all the sense in world is outweighed by the idiocy of all the blithering jerks out there. So are we entirely helpless? I guess there is no easy answer.
I suppose one thing we could do is be more spontaneous in our decision making. Most of the time we waste in over thinking and over analyzing things. A friend of mine lucidly calls it, “paralysis due to analysis”. Very apt! You surely don’t want life to whizz past your eyes without doing all that you dreamt of. For me personally there are so many things I feel like doing. An oft repeated phrase of mine is that one life is too short for all the good books you want to read in the world. Same goes true for all the brilliant cinema you want to watch, the dazzling array of diverse places and adventure that await us, the different cultures, cuisines, music we want to savour. There’s never enough to shower affection and show our appreciation for the people we love and cherish. Sometimes thinking gets in the way of all that. There are already so many parameters we impose on ourselves (friends, family, money, society etc.) One surely doesn’t want to add the crippling fear of death to be one of them? The Greek philosopher and founder of the novel school of philosophy, Epicurus got it spot on when he said,
“Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.”
R.I.P.
